Crossroads

Life is interwoven with Crossroads or Rights of Passage. We all make choices that have consequences, everyday in fact; for instance, am I going to hit the snooze button? What should I wear today, long sleeve shirt or short sleeve shirt? Those are the decisions that shape your day. Crossroad decisions are those that shape your life.

Most people know by now that exercise is an essential form of therapy for me. Today as I was out pulling the sled around the west part of town, I came upon this crossroad, as far as my workout goes, once I cross it I am just about at the half mile mark of my sled pull, and usually by the time I get to it I am ready to turn around. As always though I crossed it and get the job done. Which is always rewarded with a feeling of accomplishment, because I know when I hit the half mile mark, I have to pull another half mile to get back to the gym, and finishing is amazing.

Some crossroads don't have a clear choice, or a right or wrong choice. Some crossroads are a must that will have a consequence that is out of our hands.

Examples in my life of these sort of crossroads are the following:

My parents divorcing
The birth of each of my children, as none of them were planned.
The Tornado that ever changed who I was and who I am now

These events were all things just happened, and I had to learn how to "roll with the punches". There have been more than just those of course, but those are the ones I can share. As I've grown older and hopefully wiser, I have learned that when we are faced with a crossroad, life changing events that for the most part, we have no control over, we can either resist it or embrace it. By embracing it, I believe we are saying to the universe that this crossroad is now a "Right of Passage" that I am going to own, not fear. I am not going to let it break me down. This right of passage will help me learn, grow and be stronger than I was before.

I have had a bit of time to think about this, with good reason. It's funny to me that coming across those railroad tracks helped me make sense of what is about to happen and how I am going to handle it.

A week from today, I am having a surgery done that will put an end to my child bearing years. While I had my tubes tide after Sophie was born, in the back of my mind I always thought that if I ever really wanted to I could have a reversal. Not next week though, it will be final. This has made my heart a bit heavy. Not that I was planning to have more children, but its so final. But, guess what? I have no choice. It's a must. So it will be my Right of Passage, I am entering a new phase in my life. I will find peace with it because that is what I want. I don't expect it to be easy, as these things never are. I can tell you that being out of the gym is going to be TORTURE on my brain, but I'll deal with it and be back as soon as physically possible.

By being able to find peace with it, by humbly seeking strength from God and by just rolling with it, I will become stronger.

Who Do You Let Into Your Circle?

This statement speaks so much truth in my life. When I look back at all the social circles I've been in I can see the differences in myself. I can also see when maybe I was the negative in a positive circle of friends, and for that reason got pushed out and visa versa, I was in a group of friends that was bringing me down and I removed myself. This is all hind sight thinking though.

As I have gotten older and can identify these patterns; I have become much more picky about the people I let into my space.

Think about those people, besides your family, that you spend a good majority of your time with. Ask yourself:

1. Do you like them?
2. Do they make you feel good about yourself?
3. Do they make you smile?
4. Do they inspire you?
5. Do they lift you?

Now ask these of yourself:

1. Do  they like you?
2. Do you encourage them to feel good about who they are ?
3. Do you make them smile?
4. Do you inspire them?
5. Do you lift them up?

If you answered NO to any of these questions I believe a re-evaluation of  your friends or yourself is in order. I ask these questions of myself periodically, and seriously it really helps me to maintain a positive outlook on my own life. It also keeps me in-check, because I have an amazing group of friends who lift me, encourage me, and let me cry on their shoulders....and I would very much be destroyed if I were to lose anyone of them over my own negativity.

I hope to somehow to be passing this on to my kids, I would have liked to have learned this so much earlier! But everything that happens can be a lesson learned, and I don't ever have regrets. To all my FRIENDS out there have a great day and I LOVE YOU ALL! So grateful for this thing called LIFE and the lessons and wisdom that comes from it ~E

My addiction...FOOD.

Erin. I am addicted to food. I use it when I'm happy. I use it when I'm sad. I use it when I'm stressed, scared, grieving and tired. For as long as I can remember I've used food to reward myself, to punish myself and to lose myself.

Today I met with the "Mr." who is my nutritionist/guy who is helping my figure out why I eat what I do, when I do. He told me today that he admires me because I can put up a good front that I'm holding it all together, while at the same time I have buried some pretty serious emotions away and sealed them off with cement walls.(not exactly his words) Some of those walls I can't easily get too. This was not easy to internalize. While I took it as negative for a few minutes as I drove away I realized how what he said was truth, truth that I need to face.

So today I am going to simply address my most recent break down. This past September as I was back in school, and my kids were back in school, things were going fine for a bit. I decided to add to my plate a course of finance, and really a course about how you feel about money, how you internalize money, pretty much my relationship with money.

Then it all hit. My daughter started 7th grade this year. She was soooo excited the day before school started because she got a locker right by her best friend and every class but one with her also. Then the second day of school came and BAM her bestfriend had a new bestfriend and all of the sudden all the rest of the girls were threatened not speak to my girl or they would pay the way my girl was paying. It got so bad that my daughter quit turning homework in so that she could be assigned to in lunch catch up, that way she didn't have to face all the mean girls. Now this would make any mother furious, why in the world did it make me irrational?

Twenty four years ago, when I was in 6th grade, I had a bunch of friends then one day I got off the bus, and two girls ran up to me and told me not to go into the school. I didn't understand why? It turned out there was a group of 7th grade girls, who had never spoken a word to me by the way, organized in front of my locker with it seemed like 25 more people at least (a teenage memory might not be accurate). The reason for being in front of my locker is because as I decended down the stairs I herd singing these were the words to the tune of bingo:

There was a farmer who had a dog and Erin was it's name-o

BITCH, BITCH, BITCH and Erin was it's name-o.

I was terrorized, they sang it over and over and over again. They blocked my locker so that i couldn't get to it. The hall didn't clear until the bell rang. Then everyone scattered, and I was left standing there, alone horrified, shocked and broken. I got to my locker and the tears flowed, kind of like they are right now. I never got an explanation or a sorry. In fact the ring leader is now related to me by marriage. How crazy is that. SOOO, watching my daughter go through what she was, brought back this anxiety that I had pushed very far down because it was so painful.

The other part of the breakdown was related to my relationship with money. As I was taking the course on trying to feel good about money, it did the opposite...it brought back terrible memories that I have stuffed deep down inside. Now, I have to preface, again that these memories are a childs memories that could be skewed but they are still memories that are attached with emotion.

The summer after 3rd grade my dad had no job and no prospects of a job where we lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He decided to head to Utah where we were from and also where our family was. When he left we had no money, we had a garden to feed us and hopefully he would be able to send money. As the hot summer went by the possibility of Dad making any money and coming back became slim. By August, the garden was done, the utilities were off and the rent was way over due. I remember my Mom coming to me and my little sisters and telling us we were leaving and heading to Utah, in our little piece of crap pinto that only ran half the time. I remember her meeting someone from our ward early early in the morning at the grocery store. I don't know why, but I think they were loaning her gas money because we didn't have any...So really at the age of 9 I remember being homeless, hungry and desperate...and it all goes back to money and there not being enough.

So as I  am taking this wonderful course on my feelings about money, I start to crash, to much yuck seeping out of the walls I have built. With my daughters situation and the finance course I broke bad! I started feeding my hurt with RAMEN NOODLES, Exclusivley. I would eat5-7 packages of dry ramen noodles a day. Somehow it soothed my mind...don't ask, cause I don't know why. I immediatly gained 20lbs. I got to my GP and she said my anxiety and depression had now surpassed what she could help with and she sent me on to a psychiatrist. That was a hard pill to swallow, but I was in the middle of a nervous break down.

This all so hard to write about, but really how can I heal if it is all stuffed down so deep ready to explode at the first weak moment I have? Then I will turn to food, my addiction to self sooth.

So right now today, I am facing this addiction of mine as well as tearing down some of my walls, thats all for now. This is dedicated to A-....~E

You ARE What You EAT.

 I couldn't believe more in the title of this post. Our bodies reflect everything we put in our mouths.You can see the reflection of how you eat:

• In your complexion, is your skin full of elasticity? NO? you might need vitamin C. Do you have clogged pours? Try drinking more water

•  In your liver, have you ever been told you have a fatty liver? I have. Have you ever seen a c-scan of a fatty liver? I have. Have you ever been told your liver looks beautiful? I have! Have you ever seen a sonogram of your beautiful liver? I have! Obviously I've been on both ends of the spectrum here. So what changed? I learned that as a filter for our body, our livers were not made to filter processed food. they are made to process clean food. By cutting our all of that fake processed food my liver became beautiful, whatever that might mean to a sonogram tech...haha
• Your ability to build strength and lean muscle mass is directly affected by how much protein you are feeding your body. Do you know how much you get on a daily basis? This past summer I was working out a lot but not really progressing, it wasn't until I kicked up my protein intake that things started going the right direction.
• Your mood. If you are eating a lot of sugar you are probably running some pretty high blood sugers and there is also a chance you are crashing then having low blood sugars. I know way to much about this subject. When I used to run high my symptoms would be, rapid heart rate, sleepiness, irritability. when I ran low, cold sweat, confusion, nausea, irritability, the shakes. Now that I have cut our most sugar, and processed carbs my glucose levels are much more stable and I don't have these sypmtoms near as much...hardly at all.

So the reason for all of this? Well, really it's my motivation to stay on track. I am in the second phase of my weight loss journey. The first phase was the year immediatly following the gastric bypass when I lost the 120 lbs. That left me at the weight of 176. Which is much better than 296, for sure. However that still left me with about 30 more lbs to lose. All was going really well until this past September. I had maintained the 120 pound lost + lost 3 to 5 on top of that. But then my life got crazy, well actually nothing really changed, but my head went a bit awry. Because of that I ended up having a nervous break down. I wasn't hospitalized, however I could probably have been. When this all happened I was pulled off medicine, new meds were added and my eating habits became a way to cope with all of the changes...oh and I became super anemic and ended of haveing IV Iron therapy 10 times. So I was looking for food to help soothe me and give me energy. BAD! BAD! bad. Over a matter of weeks my weight ballooned up 20lbs. As depressing as that sounds, I am stuborn, and resolved to finally kick that 30lbs PLUS this added 20LBS.

I am still crossfitting like a maniac but, I have added extra cardio in. This will help me gain strength by buiding muscle which I need to burn more calories. I have also hired a nutritionist, which is NOT cheap...but I figure I'm worth it. It's been 5 weeks that I have been working with him and we are still trying to figure my body out but things are looking good. The hardest part of the last 5 weeks was Superbowl weekend, reference the pictures below:

 This food is what is leftover from the party and there is still so much more, but you get the idea. I have really had to dig deep by remembering what my goal is, how I want my body to look and feel, and remind myself how much I am investing and have invested in my physical activity and my nutrition. I don't like wasting money!!

So I leave you with these steps I found to help you dig deep to become healthier and happier by getting on track, starting today. We are all in this together!!! ~E

Feeling Gratitude.

When I looked up and saw the gray sky and felt sheets of rain hitting my face, instead of my beautiful vaulted ceiling, I screamed, well not really scream, I let out the most God awful shriek that lasted minutes, then I fell to the ground sobbing uncontrollably. I had NO control of myself or the situation. Now picture my two little children who look to me for comfort and safety; seeing their then 8 month pregnant mother loosing her mind, when they were so vulnerable as well.  At that moment, the tornado left us completely vulnerable, no clothes, no shoes, no way to drive away, no shelter from impending tornado's.  It's a moment that no matter how hard we want to forget it, it stays with all of us forever.

I bring this up today because, while meeting with my psychiatrist (yes, that's right psychiatrist) she commended me on being so in-tune with my mental health, and my body, and how I take care of both. She also treats my some of my children and is impressed by their level headed spirits. She also said with out a doubt that my schooling is a huge asset to me in understanding how to help my family. I felt true gratitude in the moment to my Heavenly Father for inspiring and directing my education.

I always said I wanted to go to college, but was terrified of it. But one day, about a year after the tornado I got a strong feeling that it was time. In one day I did all my paper work, without telling Wes. Within two weeks I was accepted to USU. Now I've been going a long time because I have a family and they are the most important...but because of my classes in human developement, many many psychology classes, sociology and social work studies; I have been able to recognize issues that were left as a residual of the tornado.

I was also blessed by the knowledge that I had acquired from my education, when I had my gastric bypass. Not just because of my biology classes and physiology class, but also the social science classes. I recognized that I had an addiction that needed to be addressed before I had the procedure or all would be for nothing.

And now, I am able to recognize behaviors that I need to change in order to achieve the goals that I want in order to keep progressing. How blessed I was and still am, to have followed the promptings of God that day, to be where I am today. Of course I am still a work in progress, but the unexpected validation from my Doctor made me think about my blessings; especially during a week when I felt myself lacking in MANY areas, and I felt as though there were people who saw my weaknesses as weaknesses and not as vulnerabilities. And you all know I see vulnerability as courage.

If you are feeling like I have been this week, I encourage you to look back at all of your victories and notice how they have affected your life today, this day.

ROAR ~E

I AM

I came across this picture tonight as I was scrolling through InstaGram. It reminded me how important it is to speak kindly and think kindly of ourselves, and furthermore do that for others. I am guilty of labeling people, I am sure subconsciously I do it a lot, even sometimes...maybe even to day consciously I did it. I feel bad, really bad. Because I remember being labeled once, and I have to preface that when it happened the other party was not intending to hurt me. The following excerpt is from my previous blog, at I time that I was working really hard to get the gastric bypass...

 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

No. Anything but that word.

I went to see my GP for my monthly Medical Diet Check-in. One of the last things we talked about was my worsening Diabetes. I told her I was surprised that it was all the sudden going down hill so quickly. Her response was this:
Well, You're Fat.
Duh, really? The whole phrase hit me like a Mac Truck. It hurt. Especially because she knows my situation, she knows I am doing everything in my power to fight this disease called obesity. That's what it is you know, a chronic illness, that may eventually take my life.
I am not FAT.
I am smart.
I am sensitive.
I am shy.
I am spiritual.
I suffer from obesity. You don't tell a cancer patient they are cancer. You don't tell a person with a learning disability they are dumb. What we look like or what conditions we have does not in any way define what we ARE.
She knew she said something WRONG, because the tears just flowed. She apologized. She FELT bad. Next time she WILL think twice.
I am still really emotional. I hope the tears will go away soon. 

So here I am:

I AM smart.

I AM sensitive

I AM shy

I AM sprirtual

I AM strong

I AM human

I AM imperfect

I AM a daughter of GOD 

I AM a Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter and Aunt

Sure I have lost a lot of weight, but I AM still the same girl, that I was before:) ~E

If By Chance You Meet a Frown...

We all have those days, when smiling is the last thing on our minds. You know what I'm talking about. Those days when your running from hear to there so fast that you turn on auto-pilot and just go, or those days when nothing seems to go right.

My five year old is very perceptive, and she picks up on peoples moods pretty easily. Last week my teenage daughter was having one of these days, and out of nowhere Sophie, the five year old; started singing a song that goes like this:

If by chance you meet a frown

Do not let it stay

Quickly turn it upside down  

And smile that frown away

I was so impressed by her little spirit for thinking of that song to sing. I am not sure she knows the depth of the message, but what I do know is that we all smiled.

This past July I was at a business conference in Dallas, Texas. If you have ever been there in July then you will understand how HOT and HUMID it is that time of year. So Imagine 10,000 hot sweaty women who have all been traveling, converging on downtown Dallas, can you imagine very many smiles?? If not, then your imagination is completely accurate. I was one of those less than pleasant women. But that changed in an instant. As I was walking through this massive crowd of women, with lots of frowns, someone caught my zombie eye and smiled right at me, and SNAP, I smiled back. In an instant I started looking around and seeing smile after smile after...smile. So you see, I was the one frowning. My perception was flawed, and as soon as someone took the time to look right in my eyes and give me the gift of a smile, my perception changed. My whole outlook changed, I started seeing beauty where I thought there was none. And dangit, I wasn't even as hot and sweaty anymore.

It's important to consciously think about what energy you are putting out, is it good or is it less than desirable. Think about what you could do if you changed one "hot, sweaty, weary travelers" day into one of beauty. For all you know they they'll do the same for someone else? And the cycle will continue and it all started with you, and your smile.